I am concerned that the children are not going to be a part of this wedding. What do you suggest I do, if anything?
Dear Parsley,
My brother is getting married for the second time and has three children. This will be the bride's first marriage. We all live in the same city and do a lot together. My brother asked my husband to be a groomsman, and I was sure I'd be asked to be a bridesmaid but wasn't. My brother and I are very close. I helped him through an emotional divorce. I was there for him and his children, and I just can't help being really hurt that I'm not going to be a part of this day. The bride has asked her sister's boyfriend, whom she's known only for 7 months, to be in it!
Also, my nieces (ages 14 and 8) are going to be honorary bridesmaids (which I have never heard of). I've been told that their job will be to sit in a special place and wear a corsage. The bride also asked me if I knew of anyone who could babysit my three-year-old nephew on the wedding day. I am concerned that the children are not going to be a part of this wedding. I think they should be given significant roles such as junior bridesmaid, flower girl, and ring bearer. I just can't stop worrying about how they are going to feel. They have already gone through a very difficult year with the divorce of their parents. What do you suggest I do, if anything?
Sincerely, Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Family situations like these are fraught with emotion. That you feel left out is certainly understandable, given the circumstances. How you should act on these feelings is something else entirely. The fact that you have been there for your brother and his children is wonderful. If you would like to keep it that way, I would suggest that you buck up and let his new wife-to-be plan the day. It is highly likely that that is what your brother is doing as well. It is her first and ideally her only wedding after all.
Honorary bridesmaids are real. The position is utilized when there are many people to include. My guess is that the girls will enjoy their position if you don't tell them that they should feel otherwise. And as for the three-year-old, again it would be nice if she and your brother could have found a way to include him. But fact is, toddlers are unpredictable. I absolutely adore them and feel no compunctions about them being at weddings whatsoever. However, I know plenty of others who feel differently. Again, it is the bride's decision. And here is a thought that may take a little pride-swallowing on your part, but would give you a little higher ground from which to maneuver: Offer to be the one to watch the toddler at the wedding and the reception. Enlist the help of those honorary bridesmaids and hire a babysitter for him for later when he grows weary. The bride is likely to appreciate your help and the little one will be a part of it all. Good luck.
Sincerely, Parsley Adams
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